Where should I start......hmmm well I guess I should start with I'm sorry.I'm sorry for being so selfish and self obsorbed by only ranting about my problems.But hell,it's my journal and I am going to write how I feel right now,I apologize if your reading this and it makes you deprssed or think that I only want sypathy from people.


well.....here goes.....


Okay,so i've know that my parents were getting divorced about a year ago but today I heard their first fight.Before they were both really cool about the split,but then they just started agueing.Oh and I almost forgot the best part I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM AND COULD HEAR EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!Honestly,I started crying and hid in the basement because I didn't want to hear it.I was angry at myself for being so god damn sensitive but I was really upset because they were my parents and they hardly ever agued. My mom was doing most of the yelling and dad acted like he didn't care,when it was over I went up to see my mom.I was still in tears at this point my mom hugged me and we went downstairs into the kitchen,my mom hugged me and started crying and apologizing when I said I was sorry if she didn't go have fun with her friends because of me.She told it wasn't my fault but I still felt responsible.

Later that night we all went to diner at my brother's place(we took separate cars,I went with my mom).We all talked and after my dad had left, the conversation turned to that of the divorce.They said that my dad said he was only in it for the money,it was awful because I knew it was true.Later the topic came up that I didn't respect my dad and was rude to him.My brother's girlfriend's mom told me that I should respect him because he's the only father I have.But the thing is,I can't bring myself to respect him,I feel like he doesn't respect me.I love him because he's my dad but other wise I don't really like him,I'm awful,horibble and selfish aren't I?I feel this way because when I was little he never wanted to go anywhere with me and even now when we go out together I feel like he's forcing himself to be there even though he doesn't want to be.I find it hard to think of him as my dad when he wasn't there for most of my life,I mean I'm 16 and he still uses baby-talk with me.That really bothers me, I'm friggin 16 years old and my dad still can't treat me like I'm 16.I guess I should be more understanding because he's never around to see me mature and grow like I have been.

In all,I feel awfull.I'm mad at my dad,worried about my mom and I find I hate myself more.I should like my dad and be more considerate of his side of the story,I should be choseing to stay by my mom's side,I shouldn't be boring people by only talking about my own problems when i should be helping people with theirs.I'm so selfish aren't?I think it might be the thing I'm worried about the most,I want to avoide being selfish.It's the reson I hardly ever talk about when thing are bothering me.........I'm such a feak,you will probably think so when you hear I have thought about suiside I completely understand if you never want to talk to me,I know I wouldn't.Tch,I guess it fits that the the person I hate the most is me.